The After Party
by percylover101
Summary: With a Jinchuuriki dead and 22.5 million dollars to blow, the Akatsuki are about to throw the party of the century...


**Basically, the inspiration for this son of a gun came from this one episode where Hidan and Kakuzu were talking about how much that one monk guy would get on the black market (which is pretty damn twisted, if you stop to think about it)…anyways. So. He's worth, like 30 million ryos, which would be something like 22.5 million dollars back in the good ol' days of 1868, and Hidan says that would barely cover the cost of a Jinchuuriki-killing after party.**

**O.o **

**Of course, I doubt this was meant to be taken literally at all, but…it kinda got me thinking about what an Akatsuki after party with 22.5 million to blow would be like.**

**And then this happened.**

**WARNING: EXTREME CRACK FIC. Some character bashing. Rated T for alcohol abuse, sexual references, obscenity, and all kinds of other good stuff.**

**Disclaimer: No tengo nada. Except for all the fun the Akatsuki are about to go through…those suckers. MWUHAHAHAHA. **

"It looks like we've finally got the hang of it. Excellent work on the Gobi, everyone."

Pein addressed the ensemble around the table before him, one of the most ridiculous medley of supposedly dangerous criminals on the planet. A puppet, a Barbie, a blind guy, a fish, a geezer, a religious freak, a lollipop-face, and a plant. Honestly, they had a plant on their team. A _plant._ Not a manly plant, like a venus flytrap or a chrysanthemum, but _aloe vera._ What the fuck was he supposed to do with _aloe vera?_

"Yeah, yeah, your praise means the world to us, mm," Deidara, better known as the prettiest female on the team, commented loudly. "Now, how about that after party!"

"Fuck yeah!" Hidan screamed. "Kakuzu, show me the money. I'm not talking the easy bucks, baby. I want the real shit! How much we got? Thirty grand? Forty?"

Kakuzu put the tips of his fingers together, smirking, although no one was quite sure how they knew that. He wore a mask, after all. Slowly, he wrote a figure on a piece of paper, passing it carefully across the rectangular meeting table to Pein.

Pein glanced at the number, trying to maintain his mask of I'm-way-too-sexy-for-you-bitches. It shattered the moment his eyes widened and his jaw hit the floor.

"Kakuzu…are you serious?"

Kakuzu nodded. "Dead serious."

"This can't…where did you…are you still selling nude pictures of Itachi?"

"Where else would I get this much cash?"

"…wait, you guys have been selling nude pictures of me?"

"Dude, how could you have possibly missed that? They literally duct taped twenty cameras in your shower."

"Um…Itachi, would you be okay with it if I bought one?"

"Like hell, Kisame."

"CAN TOBI BUY ONE?!"

"Calm down, you idiots," Pein thundered. "I think it's time you knew just how much Itachi's body is worth…"

Pein flipped the piece of paper upwards, and all at once, every single Akatsuki member's jaw dropped. Except for Itachi, who, even if he wasn't blind, would have expected his natural Uchiha sex appeal to reap in the big money.

"22.5 million dollars," Konan breathed. "Does that mean…"

"OH YES IT DOES," Tobi said, bouncing around the room and performing various acrobatic tricks. "AFTER PARTY OF THE CENTURY!"

"Preparations will need to begin immediately," Pein started, still reeling from the number that had been presented. "We should probably save at least a half million or so. You know. So we can serve the Akatsuki's true purpose."

"Are you kidding?" Kisame snorted, before realizing who he was talking to. "Right. Anyways. We're gonna blow all our cash on this party. It's gonna be sick."

"Go hard or go home," Sasori grinned.

"What would you know about going hard, senpai?" Tobi asked with curiosity. "After all, it's not like you have a…"

"Oh, you'd be surprised about what my man Sasori has got, mm," Deidara smirked wickedly. "Let's put it this way: Pinocchio's nose, that grew longer and harder whenever he lied? Yeah. That's like danna. Except it's not a nose. And it doesn't grow long and hard when he lies. Just whenever I walk into a room, mm…"

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to do everything in my artistic power to make you look like a male."

Deidara shut up quickly after that.

"We're going to need to do some real party planning here, people," Kakuzu continued seriously. "We must ensure that every cent of the money spent is well worth it."

"That rhymed!" Tobi giggled cheerfully.

"I'll take care of the food," Zetsu grunted. "It won't cost any money, don't worry."

"We'll need to spend at least two million in paying people to show up," Itachi commented. "I can be in charge of that."

"Hold on a second," Kisame interrupted. "Why do we need to waste two million on hiring party guests?"

"Do you have any friends, Kisame?" Pein asked, widening his eyes innocently.

"Well…erm…um…"

"Anyone else have any friends they'd like to invite?" Pein now addressed the entire group.

There was a low chorus of mutterings around the table.

"That's what I thought," Pein said. "In any case, we'll have to…"

"I have a few people I want to invite."

Everyone turned to stare at Itachi, who was gazing coolly at Pein. Pein responded, unsure.

"And, um…who would that be?"

"Sasuke, for one thing," Itachi said mildly. "I would love to see him. And the pink-haired girl who he's totally banging, even if he won't admit it. Foolish little brother. I haven't sadistically tortured Kakashi in a while, so it'd be nice to see him. And as long as it's in that direction, I'd kinda like to invite the Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki, Uzumaki Naruto. He's always good for a laugh."

"You really think the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki would show up to our party?" Hidan snorted. "I mean, I've met some morons in my day, but no one could be that fucking stupid!"

"…you've obviously never met Uzumaki Naruto before."

"Well, then," Pein cut in quickly. "Looks like we have a four person guest list. Itachi, go ahead and hire about five hundred more people to show up. Which lair should we use?"

"The Juubi lair," Kisame said, petting and cooing at Samehada. "Nothing like a massive freaky statue to get the people going."

"I'll take care of the music," Konan said lightly. "I could use a million for that." Pein, most unfortunately, failed to catch the demonic glint in her eye.

"Tobi wants half a million for entertainment! Tobi knows all Akatsuki members are bad boys, even Konan and girly Deidara-senpai! Tobi will find good entertainment for the Akatsuki party because Tobi is a good boy!"

"Me and Sasori-danna can do decorations, mm!"

"You get six million to blow," Kakuzu threatened. "Do. Not. Go. Overboard. Deidara, that means you."

"Define overboard…"

"I'll need at least nine million for drinks," Hidan cackled.

"I can handle party favors!"

"This isn't a 12-year old girl's slumber party, Kisame," Pein reminded him, while Kisame pouted. "If Zetsu won't need any money for food, you get four million to do whatever the hell you want for the party. Go crazy."

"…I can work with that."

"All right, before we begin, there's still one matter we need to discuss," Pein said, looking at every member. "A matter that may be the most important part of this party. I know what my opinion on the subject is, but I believe that it should be put to a vote."

"It's that big?" Sasori asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh, yeah," Pein affirmed. "…are we inviting Orochimaru?"

For what was, most likely, the first and last time in history it would ever occur, the Akatsuki was in unison:

"Hell no."

"Good. Glad that's over with. Let's get started."

* * *

"THE FIRST GUEST IS HERE! THE FIRST GUEST IS HERE!"

"Tobi. Shut up."

"Yes, of course Pein-sama! Anything for you! You know Tobi is a good boy, and Tobi will do anything to please…"

"TOBI. SHUT UP."

It had been a grueling three weeks for the Akatsuki. Many of the members would later describe it as the most horrifying, excruciatingly painful experience of their S-rank criminal shinobi lives. It had been non-stop work for everyone, the entire base in a mad rush as the days began to dwindle by. Fortunately, the end result was quite worth it.

The Juubi Base looked incredible. Deidara and Sasori may have had twenty-seven battles to the death concerning whose artistic taste was the correct one, but in the end, they somehow managed to set up a party atmosphere that screamed Akatsuki. Whether that was a good thing or not…well, that was yet to be decided.

The base was dominated by a wooden dance floor in the dead center, accompanied by blacklights and a fog machine. Black and red balloons covered the entire ceiling and floor, along with red couches and black tables surrounding the rim of the dance floor. Sitting against the wall were larger than life statues of the Akatsuki, glaring down at the party guests that would inevitably be filling the base.

Of course, the largest statue of all was the Juubi, eyes sealed shut in the farthest wall from the entrance to the cave and a gigantic festive party hat balanced crookedly on its head.

In the far corner, stacks of beer, wine, scotch, whiskey, rum, and other delicacies (courtesy of Hidan) were towering nearly to the ceiling. There were also three Cokes and a gallon of water, but no one had paid much attention to those.

The food hadn't quite shown up yet, but Zetsu promised it would arrive soon. After all, who wouldn't trust the word of aloe vera?

The surround-sound system was installed around the tops of the walls and DJ Khalid was setting up his tracks, a gleaming silver laptop holding Konan's personal playlist.

The only thing left was the guests, who were apparently, at this moment, standing right outside the door, the newly-installed doorbell sounding ominously like "Stayin' Alive". That couldn't be a good sign.

"No time to think about it now," Pein muttered to himself before yelling, "Tobi, get the door!"

"TOBI WILL GET THE DOOR!"

Tobi skipped happily to the massive rock that sealed the mouth of the cave shut. With a grunt and a heave, he pulled open the door that had recently been cut into the boulder so he could let in…

"Oh man, this party looks sick!" Kiba yelled with glee.

"WHERE'S THE FOOD?!" Choji screamed, looking around frantically at the food-lacking room before him.

"You know," Naruto muttered to Sakura. "I'm getting a very Sasuke-like urge to take revenge on all these Akatsuki guys. But I'm not entirely sure why."

"So this is what Akatsuki hideouts look like," Tsunade mused. "Shizune, you have this area marked, correct?"

"Of course, Tsunade-sama!"

As every single member of Konoha, civilians included, continued to pour through the tiny door, Pein turned the evil eye(s) onto Itachi, who was staring pleasantly at the Juubi.

"Deidara and Sasori did a fantastic job, did they not?" Itachi asked innocently.

"Itachi. What the hell is ALL OF KONOHAGAKURE DOING HERE."

"Oh, yes," Itachi said, still batting his eyelashes and looking as astonished as the rest of the Akatsuki. "I was feeling rather nostalgic. Thought it'd be nice to see everyone from the village again."

"And tell me, Itachi," Pein breathed, trying to contain his anger. "Why shouldn't I kill every one of them right now?"

"I thought you might wonder about that!" Itachi said cheerfully. "You see, I didn't actually invite anyone else to this party. Just the entirety of Konoha. Oh, and the Kazekage. And his two siblings. Anyway, if you kill all of them, then the only people you'll be spending time with, is, well…the Akatsuki."

The two men turned their heads simultaneously to glance at their fellow Akatsuki members. And, yes. Thirty-seven seconds into the party and all of them were completely and utterly wasted.

"AW YEAH, BABY!" Hidan howled. "LET'S SEE THOSE FUCKING BOTTOMS GO UP!"

"I'm bringin' sexy back. YEP. Them other girls don't know how to act. YEP."

"OHMIGOSH, Ino, how did you get your bangs to look like that?" Deidara squealed.

"NO PLEASE, SASORI-SENPAI!" Tobi shrieked. "TOBI IS A GOOD BOY. TOBI DOESN'T WANT TO DO THOSE DIRTY THINGS WITH SENPAI. DON'T TOUCH TOBI THERE. TOBI IS A GOOD. BOY."

Pein stared before turning back to Itachi. "…I see your point."

"I thought you might."

"So," Pein asked interestedly as he watched the civilian women of Konoha quickly integrate themselves amongst the Akatsuki. "Did you use the two million to bribe Konoha into not attacking us?

"Nah," Itachi responded. "Just gave them some nude pictures of Sasuke. Worked like a charm."

"So then what did you do with the…"

"UCHIHA. ITACHI." Pein heard a voice bellow behind him, and turned to find none other than Uchiha Sasuke, who, for some reason, had a pink-haired girl clinging onto his legs.

"Whoops!" Itachi chuckled. "Gotta run!"

"COME BACK AND FIGHT ME, BROTHER. I HAVE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT. IT'S ALL I'VE LIVED FOR. WHICH MAY SEEM LIKE A STRANGE LIFE PURPOSE TO OTHER PEOPLE, BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU, IT IS PERFECTLY REASONABLE."

"He's cute, isn't he?" Itachi smirked, before ducking and weaving his way through the crowds, Sasuke right after him.

"Hm," Pein thought to himself. "This party may end up more interesting than I thought."

* * *

Unfortunately for Pein, an hour into the party and things were getting a little bit too interesting for his liking. Probably having to do with the fact that every single person except for him was shit-faced drunk.

"My son," Sasori blinked tearfully, eying the passed-out Kazekage with love. "You've finally come back to me! I'm so sorry I kidnapped you. It's only because I wanted us to be a family again!"

"No, no, no, Sasori!" Deidara slurred, throwing an arm around the red-headed puppet. "We can't…raise our son…like this…he deserves to have…a happy life…he can't live amongst us criminals! IT'S TOO MUCH FOR OUR BABY!"

"HEY!" Kankuro yelled, turning his attention to Sasori and Deidara. "WHO YOU CALLIN' A BABY! IF GAARA IS YOUR BABY, THEN I'M…I'M YOUR BABY TOO! BECAUSE GAARA IS MY BABY BROTHER! SO THAT MAKES YOU IDIOTS MY GRANDFATHERS!"

"GRANDSON, HOW YOU'VE GROWN!" And the three men flew with all their might into the world's best group hug, crying all the while.

"So, I fucking said, you fucking idiot, I'm fucking immortal!" Hidan bellowed with glee as Jiraiya and Gai-sensei burst into fits of laughter.

"There's just so much…youth!" Gai-sensei sniffed. "In being immortal! You and me are…eternal best friends, Akatsuki guy!"

"Immortal!" Ero-sennin repeated. "That's the best I've…the best joke I've…excuse me, gentlemen." And with that, Jiraiya leaped off the couch and walked in a daze towards Konan, who must have been drunker than ever, because she was eying Jiraiya seductively.

After Pein gave Jiraiya a thorough beat-down (hadn't he already killed him? what the fuck was going on?), he continued wandering through the crowd, watching as Tsunade and Kisame had a drinking contest to the drunken cheers of most of the chuunin and ANBU members of Konoha.

"SHOT NUMBER 29!" Kotetsu and Izumo screamed as Pein was walking by, and he couldn't help but shudder violently.

Of course, that was nothing compared to the sight of Kakuzu, shirtless, rolling around in piles of money with at least ten civilian women.

"Kakuzu!" Pein yelled, aghast. "Put your shirt back on! Your masks are showing!"

"Oh, you don't want to see my masks anymore, huh?" Kakuzu asked wickedly, before tearing off the piece of cloth that covered his face, threads shooting wildly from his mouth as he cackled with the civilian girls.

"Aw, hell…" Pein muttered, averting his eyes. "There's got to be at least one sane person…ZETSU. STOP EATING THE PARTY GUESTS. WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE OF FOOD?"

"This is the food," Zetsu said simply, gesturing to a dark corner of the cave where 30 people were standing, looking terrified as the aloe vera chewed through human beings before their very eyes.

"UH…I'm gonna go now."

"Have fun, Pein-sama," Zetsu remarked before turning back to his…meal.

Pein couldn't help but let out an audible sigh of relief when he caught up to Itachi, who was, not to his surprise (because how could he possibly be surprised at this point?), sitting next to a blank-looking Sasuke, a crowd of females ranging in age from 4 to 80 ogling the two Uchiha brothers to their heart's content.

"Hey, Itachi," Pein muttered, exhausted, as he flopped onto the couch opposite.

"Pein-sama," Itachi replied formally before grinning. "Enjoying the party, I see."

"Shut up, you bastard," Pein groaned. "This is ridiculous. Half the people here are passed out, and everyone else is doing things so disgusting that I can't even talk about it. 'Sexyback' has been on replay for the past hour and a half. And Tobi's stupid entertainment hasn't shown up."

Pein sighed. "At least you're enjoying yourself. Bonding with your brother?"

"Bonding," Itachi smirked. "More like using Tsukuyomi on him so he would stop trying to mutilate me and we could have a beautiful brotherly moment together. It's kind of the same thing, wouldn't you say?"

"You're one messed up guy, you know that?"

"I'm well aware!" Itachi confirmed cheerfully. "Which reminds me, have you taken a look at Kakshi recently? The two of us had a great time together, too…"

"That's just sick. Doesn't the guy have enough problems already?"

"Not nearly enough," Itachi responded, dead serious. "Hey, look! The entertainment is finally here!"

And so it was. To Pein's immense relief, and the wild screams of the party guests, a giant cake in the shape of a red cloud was being wheeled into the cave, and all of a sudden, "Sexyback" was starting to sound like the perfect soundtrack.

"PEIN-SAMA, PEIN-SAMA, PEIN-SAMA!" Tobi screamed, running towards Pein. "TOBI FOUND SUCH GOOD ENTERTAINMENT. TOBI'S ENTERTAINMENT IS PERFECT! TOBI KNOWS PEIN-SAMA WILL LOVE IT!"

But Pein was staring at Tobi, looking terrified. Why in the HELL did he put Tobi in charge of finding entertainment? No. This wasn't good. This wasn't good at all. Because knowing Tobi, he would come up with the worst possible entertainment in the world. Which could only be…

"OROCHIMARU?!" Naruto yelled, looking utterly repulsed as the Snake Sannin burst out from the red cloud cake, wearing a scandalously tight dress and thigh-high stripper boots. His hair had been curled, and his purple eye shadow dabbed to perfection.

"Hit it, boysss," Orochimaru commanded, and "My Humps" began blasting through the speaker system. "This one's for you, Sssssasuke-kun!"

It was a true miracle that Sasuke had already been Tsukuyomi'd. He didn't need to be scarred for life twice in one night.

As it was, every single party guest who didn't have the sense to look away as fast as possible had their eyes burnt out the moment Orochimaru began his sensual dance. And considering that this was the guy who was as fluid and flexible as a snake, whose tongue was a solid seventeen inches, the guy who could stick a full three-foot sword down his mouth…well, safe to say that it was quite possibly the best and the worst stripper dance to have ever been performed.

And at that exact moment, three thousand kittens came bounding into the cave, mewling all over the Juubi Base along with nearly seventeen thousand salmon, all still flopping on the dry land.

"Itachi, Kisame," Pein said dangerously, looking at the Akatsuki duo who were, at the moment, running away in terror. "PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SPEND SIX MILLION DOLLARS ON KITTENS AND SALMON. Aw, fuck this. Konan, let's get out of here."

It had to be, as many later on would say, the party of the century. It was just too bad that Pein and Konan missed all the good parts.

**LOL. I had way too much fun writing this. I don't even know if this was funny at all, seeing as I'm not very good at writing humor, but I seriously enjoyed myself, and I hope you guys did, too! **

**Ah, the Akatsuki. Gotta love 'em. And you gotta love screwin' with 'em even more.**

**Thanks for reading, everyone!**

**-Leah**


End file.
